Poor Things Spoilers ahead.
One of my new years resolutions was to watch (at least) two new movies a week. Seems easy enough, and if I stick with the program, I’ll have watched 104 new movies by the end of 2024. As someone who is delving into screenwriting, watching movies is hugely important to my growth. I am constantly embarrassed when people ask me if I’ve seen certain classics, and I have to admit that, no, I haven’t seen the Godfather. Still. STILL! You’d think I’d start the year off with that? No. I can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe tonight. TBD.
So far this year I’ve watched 12.5 movies, but I’m not here to bore you with all that. I’m here to discuss POOR THINGS.
As a beautiful, critically acclaimed, 11-time Oscar nominated film with huge talent like Emma Stone, Willem Dafoe, and Mark Ruffalo - you’d think… what’s not to like? That’s what I thought too. Oh how wrong I was!
Now, before I get into my scathing review, maybe I should tell you about how I watch movies. How you watch movies? What are you talking about Hadley? You sit, and you let the screen into your brain, just like you do 6+ hours a day on a different, smaller screen. Wrong!
I never gave much thought into how I watch movies, until I was discussing a particular film (Saltburn, it was Saltburn) with a friend who watches LOTS of movies (in fact, she and her husband watched over 300 movies last year. Impressed??? They both have social lives AND jobs. Are you impressed now?!).
This friend was asking what I thought of Saltburn, and I said that I loved it. I understood it was weird and freaky and not for everybody, but it was for me. It was the right level of psychological thriller, the acting was fantastic, and the dark humor really hit for me. This friend, who knows WAY more about movies than I do, hated the movie. I didn’t understand!
She explained that she felt the central message of the film was fucked up. She thought it was a critique of the middle class, and it was about how “they’re comin for ya,” which I … completely missed. It made sense though, and it made even more sense when she explained that Emerald Fennell is a billionaire, and essentially the type of wealthy person the movie features. Damn. Didn’t think about THAT now did I?
This is all building to my point that when I watch movies, I think:
A) am I entertained?
B) is the acting good?
C) is the story interesting?
If not A - I’ll probably dip. But if the acting is good, I’ll hang around. If the acting is bad AND I’m not entertained but the story is interesting, I’ve been known to keep trudging through. But if we’re missing A, B, and C? FUHGETABOUTIT.
Anyway, she and I went to see Poor Things with her husband this week, and I wanted to claw my little eyes out.
A) am I entertained? Not really.
B) is the acting good? Emma Stone plays a giant baby better than most, but I hated to watch it.
C) is the story interesting? Um, sure? I hated the story, but I guess I had never seen anything like it before. So, sure?
I will preface this (if you’ve made it this far you’re thinking, hasn’t this all been a preface??? damnit Hadley, out with it!), by saying I am not a film critic. I’m sure that I’m wrong. I trust the academy, and all of the smart people who love this movie - I am sure my take is wrong and I missed something central! But I hated it. Here we go. I promise.
The premise of the movie is *SPOILER* that Willem Dafoe (Godwin, called God) is a mad scientist who finds the warm body of a pregnant woman who has just committed suicide by throwing herself off of a bridge, and does the only logical thing. He cuts the (still living) baby out of her body and implants the baby’s brain into the body of her mother. The baby then grows up living in its mother’s (Emma Stone’s) body. DUH. What would you do in that situation???
First - Emma Stone is beautiful, we cannot deny this. Emma Stone’s character is a beautiful, mentally incapacitated, baby in a grown woman’s body (BIAGWB) named Bella Baxter. Nothing wrong with that right???? WRONG. It turns out all the men who come into contact with her see only the beauty of Emma Stone, and don’t seem to care at all that she has the mental capacity of an infant. She is very sexy to them. In fact, she’s sexy to herself too! Not too long (maybe 20 minutes?) into the movie, Baby Stone (BS) discovers masturbation. And guess what? She freakin loves it. She loves masturbating so much that we have several scenes of this sexy, adult actress, who again, has the mental capacity of a fucking baby, masturbating.
I can’t really go further without talking about the acting in this movie. Everyone except Emma Stone delivered the great, elegant, “make it look easy” type of acting that’s so measured you don’t even notice that they’re acting. Emma Stone is undeniably a fantastic actress, and she played “I’m my own baby slowly gaining mastery over myself and the world around me,” better than the best of ‘em. It’s not her fault. But I hated watching her point to herself and go “Bella. Want. Furious Jumping!!!!” like a petulant child, when she was talking about sex. Even when it wasn’t about sex, the stilted baby talk really fried me.
As someone who has dabbled in acting myself, I can put myself into her shoes and imagine that it would be fun to take on the role of a character who starts as a baby, and then learns about the world and slowly grows and changes. She acted that very well! Naturally! Even believably. But that doesn’t take away from how painful it was to watch her pee on herself and talk baby talk for the first hour twenty of the movie.
Anyway.
Back to the sexualization of a baby. Bella’s father figure, Willem Dafoe (God) says his “paternal instincts are greater than his lust,” so he doesn’t want to fuck her, but he also explains in excruciating detail that if he were to orgasm he’d be fucked up for days. So. Not that great of a dad IMO. Instead of protecting Bella in her vulnerable position, he marries her off to his assistant, who also finds her ravishing. BUT! Don’t worry! He also makes them sign a super binding contract saying they’ll live with him forever so she can’t get out into the world.
Then, Mark Ruffalo, stud of the century in this universe, sneaks into her room, falls in love with her upon seeing her, touches her vagina (without her consent) and sneaks back into her room again later that night to ask her to run away with him. Also, even if she could give consent, no she couldn’t. She’s like max three years old at this point of the movie.
Anyway, Mark takes her out of God’s house and they travel the world, having lots of sex. They go to Portugal and they fuck a lot, and then Emma gets bored and starts exploring on her own, only to realize life is awesome as an independent woman. Which I liked. There were some fun scenes in there of her eating pastries and watching a woman sing on a balcony. That was all nice. But then she goes back to Mark who acts more like a child than she does. (Maybe that’s the point?!)
Fast forward - I was not very entertained. Mark Ruffalo kidnaps her and puts her on a boat so she can’t escape (very much like what her God / dad did), there were some lessons about how unfair / painful the world is, and I liked some of it so I won’t describe this part, because this is about what I DIDN’T like.
Ok, now we’re in Paris. They’ve been kicked off the boat and have no money because Mark is a gambling addict and Emma was trying to help dying babies so she gave all their money away to some crooked deckhands. So Emma is looking for ways to make money, and she discovers a brothel. She has sex (which she still calls furious jumping, which reminds me very much of listening to a couple who is too comfortable using pet names in public) with some guy, and makes 30 francs. She tells Mark who freaks out and says “whoring is the worst thing a woman can do,” and proceeds to go ballistic. They fight, he leaves, she goes back to the brothel and makes a life out of it.
This is not at all to say there’s anything wrong with sex work. It’s hard work, and I think the movie did a good job of portraying that in certain regards. You see some of the hard parts (her Madame explains some men get off on the fact that you don’t want to have sex with them) and you see some of the nice parts; she doesn’t seem to care about the sex and she makes quick money and has lots of free time to study. She makes friends, learns, enjoys Paris.
I guess my problem with it is that this BABY, now at best, at the very very best, 10 year old, is on her own in the world, and instead of exploring with the money she was given by her father, she goes to a brothel and has sex for most of the rest of the movie.
And you may be thinking, Hadley! Mark Ruffalo stole her money! She had no choice! Right you are, but this is a movie (based on a book) and it didn’t have to go this way. The creators could have written any path for her that they wanted! Even if the author chose for it to happen that way, movie adaptations stray from the books they’re based off of all the time.
At some point she goes back to London to see her dying God, Willem Dafoe, and gets re-engaged to his assistant. But then! Marnie’s boyfriend from Girls comes back and it turns out he was the husband of her body. At this point I pulled out my phone and googled “how long is this movie” because I was ready to lock it up.
It turns out quite a bit longer.
I’m getting to the end of this rant because I’m exhausted writing it and I’m sure you’re exhausted reading it.
Basically - I don’t understand why no one else seems as bothered as I am that the movie basically revolves around a baby’s sexuality. I get it, kids are sexual, Freud and all that good stuff. But… this is about adults not being bothered by her being mentally a child, and it basically felt like the message is “it doesn’t matter what’s inside as long as you’re hot.” And also, “if you’re a woman, your purpose is to be sexual.”
ALSO I know Emma Stone wasn’t portraying a person with a mental disability, she was just playing a baby, but as I was watching her I was cringing a bit remembering ‘Aloha’ where she played a Chinese woman. It felt a little… appropriation-y.
Again, 11 Oscar Noms, I’m sure I’m wrong. But those are my 2(000) cents.
If you read this whole thing, you’re a goddamn star. Thanks for listening to my rant!
XO. Hadley.